The Dr Ookami Show Session 2
by Sashenka Shalashaska
Summary: Dr. Ookami is back with a bandwagon of new minds to corrupt--er, people to help! Returning patients, a few new ones!


   Welcome back to the Dr. Ookami Show! I'm your host, Dr. Ookami.

This week, I'm hosting a special event: Things That Will Make You Say, What _Is Up With THAT?_

We've brought back several of our former patients, and a few news one, too! ^^

Enjoy….

                   _Dr. Ookami, _**Session II:**

Dr. Ookami: Good afternoon, friends. How are all of you doing today?

Shut Up Girl: SHUT UP!

Timmy: I'm doin' swell!

Inuyasha: Feh.

Lassie: *howl*

Kagome: I'm doing fine….again. *Looks disappointed*

Yugi: It's time to duel!

Kikyo: *sit in her chair and stares at the floor*

Kaze: I'm doing fine, how about you, Kaze? I'm doing fine, too! That's GREAT!

Dr. Ookami: We sure do have a lively bunch today, don't we? Well, let's get started.

Timmy: That would be swell!

Shut Up Girl: Shut up, people! Just SHUT UP!

Dr. Ookami: Yes….*backs her chair up* Shut Up Girl. You seem to like saying "Shut Up". Why is that?

Shut Up Girl: Because you people are so NOISY! SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!

Dr. Ookami: You say people are noisy, Shut Up Girl. Why do you think they're noisy?

Shut Up Girl: Because they won't SHUT UP! SHUT UP! **SHUUUUT UUUUUUP! ** ALL OF YOU! JUST SHUT UP!!! *rocks back and forth in her chair*

Dr. Ookami: I see. *writes something down on a pad of paper* Shut Up Girl, I'm afraid you're going to have to be contained in a secure facility as to which time you can go one day without saying the words "Shut Up".

Shut Up Girl: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Whooo-HOO-hoooo-HOOOOO! *does cartwheels out the door and down the hall*

Dr. Ookami: *gets up and shuts the door* Now, Timmy. Why are you doing swell?

Timmy: Gee, Dr. Ookami! You sure are a swell doctor!

Dr. Ookami: Timmy, if you _swell_ one—more—time, I'm going to gouge your eyes out with a pair of chopsticks.

Timmy: Yes ma'am, Dr. Ookami, ma'am! That would be swell!

Dr. Ookami: Grrr….WHY YOU LITTE--*chases Timmy around the room with a pair of chopsticks before he finally jumps out the same old window and lands in the same old dumpster*

Everyone minus Dr. Ookami and Kikyo, who is still staring at the floor: *looks very afraid*

Dr. Ookami: *ahem* Now, Inuyasha?

Inuyasha: *very flatly* What?

Dr. Ookami: I understand that you have committed identity fraud. Is this true?

Inuyasha: So what if I did? It's not like it's any of your *&%#$@?@!#*%#?@ business.

Dr. Ookami: Please refrain from swearing, sir. There are children about. Now….please remind me….whose identity did you steal?

Inuyasha: *stares at the floor and mumbles something*

Dr. Ookami: What's that? We can't quite hear you.

Inuyasha: Kagome's….

Kagome: You did WHAT?!

Dr. Ookami: Now, now….calm down. I'm afraid punishment won't be necessary….yet. Now, Inuyasha, why did you steal Kagome's identity?

Inuyasha: Well, with Kagome in the MIT and all, I sort of needed the money….

Dr. Ookami: For what, may I ask?

Inuyasha: *mumbles something*

Dr. Ookami: Really, Inuyasha, you need to stop all this mumbling. Now what was it that you needed to buy?

Inuyasha: *turning bright red* Some bunny slippers….and a clap-on/clap-off light….

Everyone: *gasp*

Dr. Ookami: Inuyasha, I'm afraid I'm going to have to punish you!

Inuyasha: No, NO! No that! NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT! Oh, NO! *tries to run away, but Dr. Ookami pulls him backwards to her desk*

Dr. Ookami: Yes! *pets Inuyasha's pretty, pretty hair*

Inuyasha: NO! Not the hair! ANYTHING but the petting!

Dr. Ookami: ^^ *looks very happy* Anyway, now that this is over with….

Lassie: *whines*

Dr. Ookami: Thank you, Lassie. Now, how are you feeling today?

Lassie: *BARK! BARK! BARK!*

Dr. Ookami: Um…..hold on. *reaches into her desk drawer and pulls out a really, really shiny bike helmet and places it on Lassie's head*

Everyone else, except Inuyasha, who is still being punished: OOOOOOOOH! AAAAAAAAHHHH!

Dr. Ookami: Introducing the T-Bone Translator 5000! This machine can translate unrecognizable dog yips and barks into real English! Now, Lassie…..how are you feeling?

Lassie: *in English now* Not so hot, doc.

Dr. Ookami: Why is that, Lassie?

Lassie: It's because of that STUPID Timmy freak! Do you realize how many times I've had to push that dork into a well?….And then his STUPID parents think I want to rescue him when I try to get away!

Dr. Ookami: *scribbling furiously on a piece of paper* I see….go on….

Lassie: He's constantly hovering over me! I can't eat my food, lick myself, or even take a crap without Timmy staring at me! Do you realize how much that has emotionally scarred me?! I wish they'd all die…..die, DIE…DIE!!! As far as I'm concerned, they can all burn in—

Dr. Ookami: *takes the helmet off Lassie* I'm afraid I'm going to have to put this dog to sleep.

Everyone else: Aww…. *look disappointed*

Dr. Ookami: Not to worry! I'll make sure the last few minutes of this dogs life are as painful—erm, I mean, as pleasant as we can possibly make them. *ahem* Anyway, Kagome, how are you feeling today….erm, again?

Kagome: *sigh* Well, I haven't been doing very well, ma'am….

Dr. Ookami: Why is that?

Kagome: Well, you see…._someone_ stole my identity, and now the Ward I'm staying at has absolutely no clue who I am! They've been treating me for insomnia, paranoia, schizophrenia, murder, child abduction, and—

Dr. Ookami: *interrupts* I see. *Flips through her notebook* Well, Kagome, since you don't have an identity, I'm going to give you one!

Inuyasha: Quick….run! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY WHILE YOU STILL—

Dr. Ookami: *out comes the duct-tape* Sock it, you! *pets Inuyasha's pretty hair* ^^ 

Inuyasha: MMF MNRGMPHRM! MMMMMF MNRGGGPHHHHRMMM!!! MMMMPH! MMMMMPH!

Dr. Ookami: Yes, well….never mind him. *cough* Anyway, Kagome, from hear-forth, you shall officially be known as Cecelia Argentina Granola Amarfudenzo Grahgashgadasfield Morlinia Tiki-Tiki Fuzzycheese VII.

Cecelia Argentina Granola Amarfudenzo Grahgashgadasfield Morlinia Tiki-Tiki Fuzzycheese VII: Gee, thanks, ma'am! I feel a lot better already!

Dr. Ookami: *evil grin* No sweat. Anytime! *pets Inuyasha's head*

Inuyasha: MMMMMMMMMPHHHHHFF! GMMMMFRMMMMRGGGRRRKRRRMMMM! NNNNNNNM!

Cecelia Argentina Granola Amarfudenzo Grahgashgadasfield Morlinia Tiki-Tiki Fuzzycheese VII: *starts getting hysterical* Oh, doc! I don't know how to thank you! Really….*sniffle* You've changed my life!

Dr. Ookami: You're very welcome. You're free to go.

Cecelia Argentina Granola Amarfudenzo Grahgashgadasfield Morlinia Tiki-Tiki Fuzzycheese VII: I don't know how I'm ever going to repay you! *sniff, sniff, sob, sob* You people are great! All of you! Every single one of you! And you…..and you….and, you, over there, too!....and you, and—

Dr. Ookami: No, really. Get out of my office. Now.

Cecelia Argentina Granola Amarfudenzo Grahgashgadasfield Morlinia Tiki-Tiki Fuzzycheese VII: *some random guys in white coats come in to take her away* I'll miss you all very, very, very much! *sings* And I'll be happy to see those nice young men in their clean white coats, and they're coming to take me away, ha haaaaaaa—

Dr. Ookami: *closes the door and sits back down at her desk* Now, Yugi. You have told me it's time to duel. Is that correct?

Yugi: I'm going to save my grandpa!

Dr. Ookami: Erm….that's nice. Anyway, why have you come here today, Yugi?

Yugi: To rescue my grandpa!

Dr. Ookami: I see. *takes notes* And what happened to your grandpa?

Yugi: Uh….I really don't know, but….I HAVE TO RESCUE HIM!

Dr. Ookami: Okay. *blink, blink, pet, pet* Yugi, why do you feel that you need to rescue your grandpa? Does this have anything to do with finding your inner-child?

Yugi: No….but….it has to do with, LOVE, BEAUTY, and the ever-lasting power of FRIENDSHIP!!! *starts running around the room making airplane noises and singing the Sailor Moon theme off-key* I'M COMING, GRANDPA! *poses dramatically on Ookami's desk*

Dr. Ookami: Yugi, please get off my desk. You're getting boot prints on my TV guide. *pushes a large, red, SHINY button on her desk* SECURITY!

Yugi: Oh, boy! More FRIENDS! *dreamy look*

Dr. Ookami: Yugi, I'm afraid I'm going to have to place you in the state penitentiary. You're much too dangerous to be in the Ward; we just don't have enough happy gas.

Yugi: *as he is being dragged out the door by prison guards* You have to come and see me sometime! We'll have a tea party, and we'll play dress-up, and we'll—

Dr. Ookami: *slams the door and locks it* Oh, god, please tell me that was the last one…. *sigh*

Kikyo: *staring at the floor* Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die….

Dr. Ookami: *cough* Well, anyway….Kikyo. I see….you, erm….like the floor.

Kikyo: ….Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die….

Dr. Ookami: Kikyo, as of now, I am declaring you officially brain-dead. My censors are unable to detect any brain activity, other than the spontaneously flashing words….*looks through her charts* _Die, die, and, __Die. *cough* You are free to go._

Kikyo: *stares at the floor some more* Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die.

Dr. Ookami:….Erm, or, you could just stare at my floor and tell it to die some more….*cough, cough* Kaze?

Kaze: Yes, we're here!

Dr. Ookami: Kaze, I understand that you are schizophrenic. How did that happen?

Kaze: You see, one day, the post man came to my door. A gypsy gave us a flying carpet, breaking the evil spell that was cast by a blueberry pie at Mr. Toad's birthday party! Once upon a time! The end! Chicken! Quack! Voot!

Dr. Ookami: Kaze, not only are you schizophrenic, I'm afraid you have a rare disease known as RWHD.

Kaze: Kaze gets a hedgehog! No, _I get the hedgehog! No, _me_! No, _me_! I hate you, Kaze! I hate you too, Kaze!_

Dr. Ookami: Fortunately for the general public, people diagnosed with Random Wacky Hyperactivity Disorder—or, RWHD—are usually not dangerous, malicious, or violent in any wa—

                 ***BANG!***

****

Kikyo: *choke* Die…. *Falls out of her chair on the floor*

Kaze: *pets a shot-gun* Good ol' Smokey! Hooo-yah!

Inuyasha: MMMMPH MPH! _(Translation: "Whoo-hoo!")_

Dr. Ookami: HALLELUIAH! *cough* I mean….*mocks shock* Oh, my goody-goody-goodness! What a tragedy! *shakes head* The poor kid….

Kaze: Kaze is sorry for what happened to Kikyo. She made fun of my evil, barking death squirrels. She must pay….*evil music starts playing*

Dr. Ookami: I was referring to Kaze….

Kikyo: *on the floor; extremely muffled* Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die….

Kaze: Look! McDonalds is back online! Isn't that great, Kaze? Yes, it sure it, pal! *hugs herself*

Dr. Ookami: Oh, DRAT! She's ALIVE! *cough* I mean….OH, THANK GOODNESS! KIKYO'S ALIVE!

Inuyasha: *MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMPH! _(Translation: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!")_

Dr. Ookami: *Slams the door after two policemen drag Kaze out of the room with her hand-gun safely hidden in her pocket. Kikyo is being carried out of the room on a dolly wearing a straight jacket.* Well, until next week, I'm Dr. Ookami. Tune in next time for a new show, new guests, maybe a new co-host, and an all new style. *Puts on her coat* Now, if you'll so kindly excuse me, I have a plane to catch….I have an, erm….press-conference to attend….in Hawaii. *whistles and lock the door on her way out*

Inuyasha: *finally gets the duct-tape off of his mouth* Awe, thanks goodness….I can talk again. *cough, wheeze, gasp* Hey….were'd everyone go? Hello….? Guys? Um….you sort of forgot to untie me. Uh….guys? Hel-lo!? HEY! GUYS!?!?!….HELP!??!....ANYONEEEEEE!?!?!?!?!?!?!..... HEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!

          **Diagnosis:**

_Shut-Up Girl:_ Had a major problem with saying "shut up" to everyone she meets. She eventually disappeared without a trace in the lunch room. Ketchup stains and napkins were found on the floor, but no suspects have yet been identified.

_Timmy: _Drove Dr. Ookami crazy to a point until she hired five mafia members to track him down and gouge his eyes out with a spaghetti fork. (They don't have chopsticks in the mafia.) After going through eye-transplant, rehab, and over fifty plastic surgeries, little Timmy was eventually offered a bit part in _Pitch Black_ where his intestines were slashed open with a knife in a filming accident. (They forgot to put in his stunt double before the director shouted "action". Dr. Ookami's lawyer recently read a pre-written and approved statement from the Doctor herself, saying: "I deny having any relation to this cruel and unusual activity. I was nowhere on the night of April 14, 2003. I have witnesses.")

_Inuyasha: _Had no purpose on the show, really. Dr. Ookami just thinks his ears are cool. He has currently gone missing, and a reward of $10,000,000.00 is issued for any information of his whereabouts.

_Lassie: _After walking through several court-orders and death penalties without a scratch, Lassie was freed from federal prison as of last week. Since then Lassie has had his name officially changed to _Laddie and is now the co-owner of a Hush Puppies shoe division._

_Cecelia Argentina Granola Amarfudenzo Grahgashgadasfield Morlinia Tiki-Tiki Fuzzycheese VII:_ Sadly, did not take advantage of her new identity. She was recently laid off when she took a job an a stewardess on Delta. She is now a starving and depressed artist from New York who has twenty cats and lives out of garbage cans. She refuses to leave her apartment because Inuyasha is missing. "He's risen from the grave! Sweet, sweet death….," She told the press last Tuesday.

_Yugi:_ Yugi was sent to the state penitentiary, where he spent the rest of his days whittling chess pieces out of cardboard and stuffing his face with marshmallows. He was eventually removed from the penitentiary when he got too incredibly obese to fit in the cell. He was released due to health complications, but managed to get a job at Sea World wearing a whale suit and a giant smiling character head. His alter-ego, in apology for all the trouble they had to put him through, was offered a life-time membership to the Society of Beautiful People, and the Society's founder, President Sesshoumaru, presented him with an honorary place in the hall of fame. "No one beats me," Sesshoumaru said to one Dr. Ookami reporter, "I mean, could _any other guy look __this good wearing pink eye-shadow? I don't thaaaank so!"_

_Kikyo: _She was hauled off to a local Ward off of I95. She just sat, staring at the wall for fifty years, saying _die die die die die die die_. Eventually, the wall went crazy and randomly decided to fall on top of her and crush her. Strangely enough, her funeral invitations read _Congratulations._

_Kaze:_ Eventually, Kaze escaped the mental institution, and spent twenty years hi-jacking boats along the Mississippi River. She stole one boat, sailed up stream, and headed off into the horizon. Police spent another five years looking for her before they received a post-card from Kyoto that read _"In your face, Granny Gopher."_ Her whereabouts shall forever remain a mystery, though it sort of makes you wonder who turns off the light in your refrigerator when you open the door….

****

Dr. Ookami: Well, folks. It's time we saw some changes around here. *A funny little pointy-eared person with a bad suit jumps out of her ear*

Hector: That's where I come in!

Dr. Ookami: *bashes Hector* No you don't….now shut up, you stupid alternative personality! *cough* Anyway, like I was saying, you'll be seeing some real changes in the show in the next few weeks.

Hector: Woohoo! New costumes!

Dr. Ookami: Yes, that….AND, we'll be having a new addition to the show soon! A co-host! For the first time ever!

Hector: *sniffle* You're replacing me, aren't you?

Dr. Ookami: No, Hector, I am not replacing you….*mutters* It's tempting….

Hector: Yay! I still get to live in your head!

Dr. Ookami: Hush it, zoot-suit boy, or I'm _really_ gonna pop you one….

Hector: Sorry…..anyway, like the Doc said, we're getting a co-host!

Dr. Ookami: I'm not going to spoil the surprise yet, but let's just say that you'll all be thoroughly shocked and amazed!

Hector: Or disgusted! That depends on your p'litical opinions!

Dr. Ookami: Stay tuned for the next episode! Hector and I will see you then! *waves*

Hector: Woohoo! I get to wear a clip-on microphone, right?

Dr. Ookami. *- -;* Yes, Hector. You get a clip-on microphone….

Hector: Cool. Can I host it?

Dr. Ookami: I'd be immediately concerned for the safety of everyone on the planet. Run for your lives. Run while you still can.

                                             *camera static. Random glass breaking and dogs barking are heard. Zoom out on the studio. There is white-haired man trying to climb out a third-story window while tied to a chair.*

(\\  Okay, so….that was COMPLETELY random and pointless….as usual. ^^ Anyway, for those of you who are reading _Getting Over It_, I'm bringing in a new assistant—you'll have to wait and see who it is! I'm not telling! Nya nya nya nya boo-boo! *blows raspberries* *cough* Anyway, if you support your local author by posting a review, I'll try to get the next Session out quick….it motivates me to know that people enjoy this crap. ^^

                                    * Ookami

                                  [THE AUTHOR]

                                                                //)


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